Goodbye Corey

As soon as I got the news this morning (via text message from my very "connected" wife), I was going to write something about Corey Haim's passing. Like many other people, I find it hard to be surprised with the news (especially if you had seen him on The Two Corey's recently, he looked like a mess). If the saying is true, these things come in 3's. We've already bid adieu to Andrew Koenig (Boner from Growing Pains, man I could have written about his dancing with Carol Seaver at the school dance as a seminal experience in my TV-viewing childhood). But, who would be next? The cast of Sixteen Candles, given how they looked at the Oscars, could certainly be next (If you see Judd Nelson on the corner, please give him a dollar or something). Maybe Skippy Handleman from Family Ties is feeling ill today. Or perhaps Cockroach from The Cosby Show.

Regardless, Corey's death hits closer to home to me. Only a couple of years older than me, he seemed like he was the ultimate kid actor sensation. He was out in a flash and pretty much gone that quickly. Yes, I had to do some quick IMDB'ing, but he had a nice little streak in the mid to late 80s. First was a supporting role in Murphy's Romance with the original Gidget (Sally Field) and Ben Affleck's Father in Law (James Garner). Yes, I saw this movie about a mother and her young son moving to somewhere in the midwest (Texas, perhaps?). This was back when HBO was one of the only options - if it was on, you probably watched it (hoping for some skin, for the record, I don't recall any).

Then came his 4-hit string. There are lots of other things listed that he appeared in, but these were the only other films that mattered (to a small few). Lucas, License to Drive, The Lost Boys and Dream a Little Dream. I think all of them could be described as good/bad movies. They were basically bad, but at the time they seemed pretty good (I guess I can chalk most of it up to youthful bad taste perhaps? Although that doesn't really explain why I still like them). All but Lucas co-starred his partner in crime Corey Feldman (who has a much more impressive list of credits - Goonies, Bad News Bears, Stand By Me, The burbs, Gremlins, and the voice of Donatello in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), with who Haim was often confused. And judging by things that I saw online today, people are still quite confused about the two Corey's. I kind of feel a little sorry for Corey Feldman right now - does he have to email and call everyone he kind of knows to just say "hey, I'm still alive - don't worry about me".

But, on to the movies. I think Lucas was the first one really. It was a great teen movie about an awkward teen trying to fit in. He befriends the new girl in town (when he starts mowing her lawn I think, also used in the Patrick Dempsey teenage chick flick Can't Buy Me Love), played by Kerri Green. She's another one of those fast flashes in the pan - she hit it big (relatively) with Lucas, Summer Rental (with John Candy) and Goonies and then - poof. She disappeared. Lucas and Kerri are friends as school starts, but then she starts to fall in with the cool crowd - the jocks and the cheerleaders.

Of course, there was a pretty stellar cast of cool kids. Courtney Thorne Smith (Allison from 90210 and the surfer chick from Summer School) was the head cheerleader. She dated hunky Charlie Sheen, the star football player. Also on that team was none other than Ari Gold (real name = Jeremy Piven). Kerri Green falls for Charlie, the only cool guy that is nice to Lucas. Lucas has a very young Winona Rider chasing after him (as the geeky nerdy girl), but he only wants Kerri. So, he goes out for the football team to show everyone that he can do it. He does it - but eventually gets beat up in the big game (after bothering the coach enough, they put him in and he drops a sure touchdown, then gets brutalized). At the end, the slow clap scene happens when the team gives him a varsity jacket and everyone is happy. But Charlie still gets the girl. Corey as Lucas (lucaplaciea, meaning cancer of the mouth) is the every nerd fighting for respect and the girl he likes. It is a heart warming tale.

My personal favorite was next - License to Drive. Corey is going to get his license, but fails his test. He neglects to tell his parents he failed and one insane night of comedy, love and hijinks ensue. Along the way, we get treated to some powder blue Cadillacs, some Sinatra music and our first dose of Heather Graham (as the cute Mercedes Lane, his love interest). Again, not exactly a movie for the ages, but entertaining nonetheless. Completing the mood was a killer soundtrack that included Billy Ocean (Get out of my dreams, get into my car), Sinatra, Nia Peeples (yes, the hottie host of The Dance Machine with Nia Peeples and the lovely lady from that top notch surfer movie North Shore), New Edition, INXS and more. Can't you just remember the tracks that Corey put together for his mix tapes to play when he drive Mercedes around? Oh, maybe that's just me. Also, I just read that Nia Peeples now has something to do with some guy called the Teenage Whisperer. I'm sure that there will be new Catch a Predator series looking for that guy.

Probably the one that Corey is best known for is The Lost Boys. Vampires in California - how can't you love this one. This also features an all star cast - mainly Corey, Corey, Jamie Gertz, Jason Patric and Kiefer Sutherland. Corey and Corey try to fight off the vampires. Actually, their best actual movie, with a large cult following.

Lastly was Dream a Little Dream - another one of those movies that was on constant loop on HBO back in my teenage years. You know, to this day, I really don't know what this movie was about - there was some body switching going on. There was a weird scene where Corey Feldman publicly admits and flaunts his love for Michael Jackson - wait, that was the best scene where Corey dances against himself (Feldman, not Haim). There is a girl in that they are chasing that has a large set of umm, personalities. I think that's all I really remember. Maybe calling this one a hit is a stretch. The old guy from Quick Change, a very underrated movie with Bill Murray, Randy Quaid and Geena Davis, was also in it. And the dad from Pretty in Pink too.

So, I guess Corey was still trying to relive the glory of this 4 movie run (maybe a 2 picture run in reality). But, still, he was just 38 and he was a mess. He was on all sorts of drugs and was convinced that he was still a good actor (was he ever?). It's pretty sad that he's dead, but he's probably better off. I guess if these guys would have come out now, they'd have all sorts of online stories about them on TMZ, sex tapes and even more appearances in reality television. Regardless, Corey Haim makes me think about my childhood - awkward goofy teenager, young vampire killer and failed driving school dropout. Rest in peace Corey. May the legend live on. Let's also hope that Feldman doesn't try to use this as a way to re-launch his career.

Snow in Hawaii?

It is now just past 3pm EST here in Waltham, MA. It is not snowing. It appears that there might actually some precipitous formations dropping from the skies, but it does not qualify as snow in my book. As we wait for the latest nor'easter to hit us, I continue to be baffled by our collective reaction to the snow (and for the potential snow). Every year the same things happen. At the beginning of the season, when the first storm hits, everyone exhibits behavior reminiscent of Tom Hanks' Saturday Night Live character - Mr. Short Term Memory. They forget how to drive in the snow. This normally causes lots of crazy traffic and accidents. Do our cars get nervous? No. Just the drivers.

Inevitably, there is 1 big storm that the weather forecasters get totally wrong early in the season. Either they predict tons of snow that never hits us or they claim that some storm will slide off to the south and miss us and then, surprise - a foot of snow. Yet, we continue to hang on their every word like they are much more specific Farmer's Almanac. Although I think a very vague weather prediction like chance of snow, cold is pretty much in line with the Farmer's Almanac's predictions. At least these girls have invented something that we really need - the nippleometer.

We've got all this new technology available - super doppler radars, massive statistical models and countless years worth of data. Yet, we (the collective we, but mostly Weather Peeps (since they are now some lovely ladies of weather in addition to good old reliable weathermen)) can not seem to do any better with weather predictions. Why is that?

The WPs are like Steve Martin in the Jerk trying to guess our weight. Guess your weight, win some crap. Ahh, I get it - it's a profit deal. I think Jimmy the Greek had a better streak of success than these folks do (on average).

Wait, I think I have just realized why there are now more women WPs. Just like many other jobs in the media, we've recruited more humans that are easy on the eyes to deliver information that is less than exact or potentially useless. Like when we went through dozens of attractive, less than informative sideline reporters during sports broadcasts. That seems a little sexist, doesn't it? Oh well. I just know that no Dick Albert or Bruce Schweggler would be getting a job in the current, umm, climate.

The other thing that really annoys the crap out of me is the trend to over react to the potential for snow accumulations. I was once in North Carolina when they had a ice storm a few years back. That area is ill equipped to handle this kind of weather - they don't have plows or batches of sand or salt ready to spread on the roadways. It crippled the state for a week or so. We've even seem more of this type of thing in the Mid-Atlantic this past week. Yes, I'm talking about Snowmageddon. Some of those areas don't normally get much weather like this - it's hard for them to deal with.

I know I'm taking a long way to get there, but my point is that WE LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND. Why do we act like we can't handle some snow? How can the City of Boston cancel public schools the night before a (potential storm) that was not even predicted to hit until around noon-ish? Have we collectively become such idiots and pussies that we have to close up shop and stay home because it MIGHT snow heavily? I really don't get it.

I work with a client based in Syracuse, NY - it snows there (on average) almost 12 feet EVERY YEAR. And it is quite regular for it to snow almost every day for most of the winter. Do they shut down school at a hint of snow? Nope.

It's snow, not the end of the earth.

Very Special

Most days at work I listen to my Ipod - I just put it on shuffle and let it play in the background when I'm in my office (which is most of the time). It always makes me smile a little bit when I'm sitting around doing some work and a really random song will come on. It might be one of the songs from the extremely excellent Best of Rocky Balboa soundtrack (getting me a little too pumped up at my desk). Or it might be some completely inappropriate song from NWA (RIP Eazy-E) or a song from some very forgetful album. In general, I enjoy the fact that I spent way too much money over the years on CDs and try to reminisce about where I acquired that specific CD as it comes on.

Today's smile inducing song was "Very Special" by Big Daddy Kane, featuring Spinderella. Those who know me know that I do have a strong affinity for hip hop and rap from the 80s through the late 90s. Big Daddy Kane was just a great rapper. He is probably best known for "Ain't No Half Stepping" (with a great video here - I remember these kids dancing in the background - perhaps Kid & Play's inspiration?) - a nice rap tune. But he's had quite the interesting career. There are a few things that I remember well and a few that I had to rely on the glorious interwebs for. I clearly remember when Madonna's book (Sex) came out during my freshman year at BU, it was all the buzz. Someone on my floor got the book and I remember how surprised I was that none other than Big Daddy was prominently featured in it (I have since forgotten that Vanilla Ice appeared in it as well). I think I've blocked out any memory of Big Daddy's little daddy (if indeed it was shown), but I still found it strange that he was in the book (apparently he appeared in Playgirl as well).


I knew that he was friends with another personal favorite - Biz Markie (I'm still waiting for my own personal Biz alarm clock). Apparently BDK was the brains in the operation, having written most of the lyrics for Biz's biggest hits. He also was one of the guys that gave Jay-Z his start - Jigga was actually a hypeman for BDK shows in the 90s (along with Positive K - the guy that sang that song "I Got A Man" and sang both the male and female parts on his one-hit wonder). I was fortunate enough to see BDK perform a few years back at small theater in New York City. Unlike some of the other "legends of rap" that I've seen over the past few years (Slick Rick and Digital Underground come to mind), Kane was awesome. He brought it and brought it hard for a solid hour plus. He got to all of his stuff, covered some other rappers' hits and even did a little move busting of his own. It was high energy and for any real rap fan of the era, a great show. So, I still enjoy and support BDK.

I digress a bit though. This song made me smile mainly because I get such a kick out of the mini-genre that was the rap love song. You know what I'm talking about - when the rapper "slows it down" and sends one out to the ladies. I've been trying to rack my brain for a few more examples. LL Cool J's "Around the Way Girl" might have been the most mainstream example ("bamboo earings, at least two pair"). But there have been others through the years - "I'd Rather F*** With You" by NWA; "Song Cry" by Jay-Z; "Dear Mama" and "Brenda's Got a Baby" by Tupac; "I Need Love" by LL Cool J, "Do 4 U" by Father MC (and Mary J. Blige) and many others. It's always amusing to me to hear the respect these rappers have for the ladies - me thinks it's a tad transparent. Did they really need more reasons to attract the rap groupies, I mean the sentimental ladies? I guess one good rap love song can overpower album's worth of bitches and hoes.

This lovely duet with the DJ from Salt N Pepa had some really solid lyrics. Just a few favorites - "since they say love is blind, I'm the Ray Charles of rap", "you're always on my mind, even more than my own skull", and "those tropicana drinks don't blend as good as us". I mean, those were clearly classic lyrics that must have taken literally minutes to compose. Rhyming ain't easy! Just taking it slow and giving us something a little different than the normal rap song.

Lastly on this somewhat related post - I really don't get the IPod shuffle at all. It clearly shuffles within a segment of albums, not the entire collection. Why can't they invent a shuffle that truly shuffles across the whole IPod? I understand the concept of the word random - I'm not sure Mr. Shuffle does though. How often do you hear multiple songs from the same artist or even the same album back to back? If it is an indication of my luck, I guess I need to play the lottery some more. Please Apple geniuses, get to work on this. It would make my life a little better.

Screw Diversity

I don't think it would be surprising to anyone that knows me to find out that I have been enjoying Jersey Shore on MTV. The characters (aka people) are great - they are so ridiculous and amusing at the same time. They go from being best friends to mortal enemies quicker than you can say "Let's do a shot". Even though they were only in that wonderful Jersey shore house for a little more than a month, they created a multitude of great moments for audiences. Sure, the most memorable one had to be Snookie getting clocked in the face by a guy (of course, MTV refused to show the actual punch, while continuing to promote it and show clips of its aftermath). But there have been other ones - Vinny hooking up with the boss' girl, Pauly D's Israeli stalker, J-Woww's regular brawls, The Situation's creepy creeping, the annoying relationship between Ronnie & Sammi, the constant stream of girls to and from the house. It's been great.

We've learned many lessons throughout the magical journey also. I learned about GTL - gym, tanning, laundry. Apparently, every guido needs to spend daily time at the gym, then ingesting some artificial rays. But, I did not realize that it was so important to do laundry every day - because, if the outfit ain't slamming, it can ruin the whole package. I learned that you can have a nickname that is infinitely longer than your actual name and people will still call you that (The Situation vs. Mike). You can also can decide to butcher a nickname if you choose (Snickers, Schnooks, etc. instead of Snooki). I learned about falling on grenades (when one of your friends takes one for the team by going off with your girls' umm, larger friend). It has been quite educational.

But, I think that the biggest thing I've learned is that diversity (as it applies to the all important world of reality television) does not matter one bit. For years, MTV and the other networks have been tinkering with their formula to bring people of all races and backgrounds together and been content to watch the sparks fly. Sure, there were always some "regular" characters (different from "normal") - the angry black guy, the timid asian girl, the country hick (female or male version), the idiot from Boston, the player, the slut, the hot girl (sometimes also the slut), the gay guy. Just pick a few from that pot, stick them in a house and before you know it, people will stop being polite and start being REAL.

On those other shows, the first time there was any sniff of a fight, that person usually got kicked out of the house and/or off the show (I still feel like David the comedian from Real World LA got a raw deal - pulling a blanket off some one was not attempted rape). But, after a while, all the shows seemed to be the same.

So, what is different on Jersey Shore?

They are all the same person. No more wasting time on the uptight roommate that doesn't drink to excess. These cats all drink. A lot. They all fight - with each other, with the opposite sex, with just about anyone. They all flirt. They all hook up - with each other and with just about anyone else. They are all extremely vain. I know they don't show every conversation that has ever happened in the house, but smart money is that there has not been a single conversation that could be categorized as "semi-intelligent" by someone like Malcolm Gladwell (or even Malcolm Jamaal Warner for that matter). Lots of talk about hair gel, guidos, tanning, drinking, hooking up, etc.

So, forget the variety, it's all about getting a group of people that are all basically the same and putting them in a house on the Jersey shore. That's all we really want. Let them act like a bunch of fools, upset advocacy groups for their heritage, hook up and then - become stars. I recently read that Pauly and The Situation have started to demand appearance fees in the area of about $7,500. Normally these fees are paid for them to visit a bar. Umm, something tells me that a few months ago, a couple of free drinks and the promise of promiscuous girls would be enough. Or just the promise of the girls.

As rumors swirl about the next Jersey Shore, you have to start to wonder if this formula will catch on. But, you need some key ingredients - well, mostly just sex and drinking. Where will the next show be located? A bunch of Irish guys and girls in Boston, living on Revere Beach? A group of cowboys and cowgirls living it up in Austin, Texas? A gaggle of backwoods rednecks in somewhere like Mobile, Alabama?

Doesn't matter. I'll still watch.

The Golden Globes

Last night was the Golden Globe awards. First let me say that I am a big Ricky Gervais fan - I got into the original version of the The Office when I was traveling to London a lot for a work a few years back. I think it helped that I worked there for a while - it seemed pretty real. I have grown to really enjoy the US version, but it is definitely more farcical and a bit more far-fetched. But, it's very funny.

Anyway, I've pretty much watched anything Gervais has been in since then (well, I still haven't seen The Invention of Lying, but according to Ricky last night, it comes out on DVD this week). So, knowing that he was hosting the Globes made it pretty interesting and as close to Must See TV as any award show has been for me (tied with Neil Patrick Harris hosting the Emmy's, since I guess I'm not gay enough to watch him host the Tony's).

So, I rushed (some running, mostly fast walking) home from the bar yesterday to catch the beginning of the show and make sure it was DVR'd (since I forgot to do that). Yes, we were at the bar to watch the Jets/Chargers game - Sunday afternoon bar-going is normal, right? I made it 4 minutes late - just in time to see Monique take home a trophy (unless BET has been giving out awards for larger black actors (or if Tyler Perry has created his own awards show), I am assuming this is her first award). We missed the introduction (but, I did see it later). But the rest of the show was pretty good.

Normally on these shows, a few people and moments stand out. I'm often surprised when certain people get really big ovations or cheers. It seems kind of random to me. Jeff Bridges got that kind of reaction when he won for Crazy Heart, a country music drama about a down and out singer that finds inspiration in the form of Maggie Gyllenhaal (still hard not to think of her from the S&M scenes in Secretary - an "interesting" movie). The crowd went nuts for him - and during his speech he sounded just like the Dude from The Big Lebowski - was that an auto-biography or something?

Other big reactions were for Meryl Streep (of course), Martin Scorsese (although DeNiro's jokes about Marty's YouTube videos of him having sex with 8MM film were a little strange), Mickey Rourke (what the f happened to his face?), some guy named T-Bone (who wrote a song for Crazy Heart), and Paul McCartney.

But other things that I remember from the show (having now watched Ricky's intro online this morning) include - Keifer Sutherland looking very pissed off (when Ricky mentioned that some of the 24 scenes when Bauer beats the crap out of people might have been Keifer's improv); Harrison Ford looking like he might have had a stroke (and checking any semblance of personality at the door); Felicity Huffman looking good, but not being able to read a single line; Cher looking very ghostly and like a 10-foot tall transvestite doll next to Christina Aguilera; Joan (Ms. Boobs McGee) from Mad Men; Mariah Carey's plunging cleavage; and Joan Allen (mom from Pleasantville) looking down right scary - plastic surgery gone wrong (on par with Mickey Rourke).

The show was a little over the top with Avatar praise - including in many of the announcer outros ("coming up, will Avatar take the top prize?"). You get the feeling that 98% of the crowd thinks that James Cameron is a douche. But, that same 98% don't want to say that, just so they might get a chance in his next movie. And now I wonder, was his guest spot on Entourage nothing more than a calculated move to let people see him as down to earth? I guess it worked, now cut your hair dude.

Some of the winners seem a little odd to me. I guess it was a down year in leading female in a drama when Sandra Bullock can win (nice of her to thank her costume designer and make up person though - oh, and a nice shout out to Jesse James). She did beat out that girl from Precious and Helen Mirren. I thought The Hangover was funny, don't get me wrong. But, award winning funny? Not sure about that. My big question was, where was Zack Galifianakis? It was funny (and awkward) with Mike Tyson hanging around (yes, I think everyone was waiting for him to do something completely IN CHARACTER, but it never happened). But, there was no sign of the bearded man himself.

After watching Robert Downey, Jr's good speech, I guess I can see why he keeps getting chance after chance after each rehab stint. He is quite charming and funny. Drew Barrymore is a ditz, but actually does come of as genuine - I guess she is a genuine ditz?

All in all, a pretty good show (great to watch on DVR, by the way - in a 3-hour show, there was about 1 hours worth of commercials). I still enjoy when they play the music over someone when their speech goes too long. And I'm glad there wasn't one of those awkward montages of all the people that died the past year (sorry, the key grip from Casablanca - his passing hit me hard). But, I was disappointed that there wasn't more Ricky Gervais. Then again, he might have hit it even harder with the shameless self-promotion.

Man vs. Plastic Tubing?

I have had occasion to tune into Man Vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel. Last night, we did a little flipping around while also watching the Celtics/Heat game and we watched Bear Grylls battle the wild. The first episode was nothing too crazy. He was just hanging out in Alabama - where, there is apparently one of the largest un-explored underground cave systems in the world. So, he was stuck in a cave without any light and no way out. No big deal - but he did fight (and ultimately kill and eat) a wild boar (every time I hear the word boar, I find myself singing out WILD BOAR WILD BOAR (channeling my inner Duran Duran - Wild Boys)) and eat deer poop (complete with a good shot of his fecal-stained tongue) (man, I love using (over-using?) parentheses!). But, he was out in a jiff.

It was the second episode that really caught our attention. Bear was dropped on a deserted island near Panama. Again, not a big deal. But, I will say the guy is amazing - able to make a great shelter out of banana leaves, a spear from a dead bird's beak, etc. He realized he wasn't going to get rescued on the island, so he built the raft toattempt to find other land (logical thinking). He was running out of water, so he took some handy tubing that he had (not sure where it came from, but quite handy) and gave himself an enema. Yes, he gave himself an enema while he was floating. Apparently that helps keep a person hydrated (and does wonders for the colon). Are you f*ing kidding me?

Ultimately, he floated towards civilization and his trusty chopper was there to pick him up. I think I was amazed that he did it, but more so, that he really didn't seem to give it a second though. Ho, hum, drop trou and stick tube up butt. And I still don't think I understand the whole camera crew thing. Is there a crew following him the whole time? And are they setting up a sweet camp and eating candy bars while Bear dines on poop and fish eyes? Do they get to use a private yacht while Bear is soaked in water? I don't get it.

Even though Bear is quite amazing, I've come to the conclusion that I prefer Les Stroud's Survivorman (on OLN). He does some of the same things (not nearly as extreme), but does them completely alone. He sets up all the camera equipment and is totally flying solo. Yes, sometimes that leads to some uncomfortable times where he is experiencing some severe loneliness. But, it feels a little more real.

Will the average, every day survivalist ever need to give themselves an enema? Well, now they know how. But I know that if they do, I would prefer not to have to watch it. At least I didn't have to see Bear's junk as he gave himself the Big E. Thank you Discovery Network for blurring that junk out.

I'm not sure what this has to do with anything, but I spent a fair amount of time thinking about it (the enema, not the junk).

On the other hand, great ending to the Celtics/Heat game. Piss poor play by Ray Allen with seconds left in the 4th quarter (leading to a Dwayne Wade steal and dunk). But, a spectacular alley oop from Pierce (from out of bounds) to Rondo to tie it and send it to OT. Very cool.

I learned something new the other day. I knew that Ton Loc made it famous with a song, but I never knew the ingredients for a Funky Cold Medina - simply mix vodka, southern comfort, blue curacao and cranberry juice. But what was the magic ingredient that made it seem to be smoking when it was passed around in the video?

That song came up in a trivia contest that we performed quite poorly in earlier this week. Why are there no trivia contests that are concentrated only on pop culture, music, movies, tv and sports? We end up getting screwed every time on history, arts and science questions. We actually realized that most of us had no idea who was actually the participants in World War I - how pathetic is that? But, we all knew Ton Loc sang Funky Cold Medina (and was fortunate enough to get to have Jim Carrey's ass "ass him a question" in Ace Ventura). Oh, he apparently lost the part that eventually went to LL Cool J as Chris O'Donnell's sidekick on NCIS Los Angeles.

So, I was curious - what exactly is in a Brass Monkey? Apparently, there was a premixed drink (I guess similar to Mad Dog 20/20 and Purple Passion) called Brass Monkey. It has recently been re-released. Little known fact (and of little use) - it originally was named by an ad executive after an alleged World War II spy. Umm, what exactly was the spy's name?

There are also a few variations of the Brass Monkey that could either be - a) a mix of beer and oj, b) a mix of gin, triple sec, tequila, oj, sour mix and grapefruit juice or c) a mix of rum, vodka, oj (with or without galliano). There appears to be no consensus. That is a shame, I think that Adam Yauch and Mike D would like to unite the world in their Brass Monkey consumption.

That will do it for this evening's random thoughts.

Thank you for your support.

Happy New Year

2010 is upon us. Real newsflash there, I know. This year, I made a few resolutions – most I like to keep to myself (usually because that way, when I break one of them by the 9th of January I am the only that knows my failure). But, this year, I made 1 resolution that I have already told a few people. I have talked for years about writing a blog regularly. I have no idea why anyone that is not related to me would want to read what I have to say (and, it is likely that that my relatives will quickly learn that they absolutely do not want to know what is going on in my head). But, I guess this is an outlet for the creative portion of my brain. That portion seems to get smaller and smaller over time. I guess I want to keep it alive for a little while longer.

I’m not sure what I’m going to write about – but my resolution was at least one posting per week. And not just a posting like “Gee, Tiger has gotten himself in a little trouble, hasn’t he?”. Something with some substance. That might be the wrong choice of words – I doubt much of what I’ll be writing about will have any real substance, but WTF?

With that, I’ll get to it. A few things came up over the past week or so that I noted in my phone that I might like to write about. Maybe I’ll write about them.

Currently on my mind is grooming. Maybe it has to do with my recent wedding (get it – see where I went there?). But really, grooming is an interesting topic. I have this 1 (sometimes 2 if I go a while without shaving) mutant hair that pops up on my chin fairly regularly. The hair is really like some super strong strain of hair. Think Scott Howard in Teen Wolf. Or Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. OK, it’s not quite that long or werewolf or fly-like. But it is about 3 times the thickness of my normal facial hair. And sometimes (if I work at it enough), I can pull it out with a finger nail. I don’t understand how it gets there or why. Does my facial hair have some sort of individuality that is trying to get out? Is there some secret to the universe hidden in this gross super-hair? Probably not, but it is really weird. And it is fun to taunt my wife with it – she agrees that it is pretty disgusting.

When I was doing some of my holiday shopping a few weeks ago, I finally purchased an item that I have been thinking about buying for a little while. This one simple item has made me feel a little old. I felt like this item, more than many others, signifies quite a big step in the circle of life. I know a few friends my age that I have had one of these for a little while already. But I wasn’t quite ready. But, there it was on Amazon while I shopped for some gifts. That might be a little bit of a lie – it’s not like it was linked to The Bro Code (by How I Met Your Mother character Barney Stinson – wonderfully played by Neil Patrick Harris, Dougie Howser) as “customers who bought this also purchased”. (By the way, if you’re reading, get used to the massive usage of run on sentences, dashes and also known as tangents).

I had to search for it. I searched for it and I found it. Now I own it. It is a nose hair trimmer. There, I said it. A nose hair trimmer. I noticed that there have been a few nose hairs that have crept their way out of my giant schnoz and into broad daylight. I have tried to fight them back using the rudimentary tools at my disposal. I might have found a pair of tweezers in the bathroom and used them. But that isn’t always pleasant. I have also used my electric razor. Unfortunately, I can only bend the inner sanctum of my nose so far. I couldn’t quite get the blade to those evil hairs. And if I did, I even felt a little bit of electric razor burn. So, I have totally given in. Now I own my own little nose hair trimmer. And it has already been put to use. I really hope I never have to use it on my ears.

Seinfeld was one of my favorite all-time shows. I think it really has serious staying power – the topics still seem relevant after some time. I also was kind of addicted to the idea of the “What is the deal with XXX” type humor that Jerry was able to parlay into a multi-billion dollar fortune. I regularly find a great urge to use that when something seems a little off. Last week’s topic was holiday cards. What is the deal with holiday cards? Specifically, what do they make holiday cards with glitter on (or inside) of them? What need does this fill at all? All it does is get glitter all over the place. It is f*ing annoying – opening up cards and realizing after you opened it up that there was a pile of sparkly glitter on it. Our TV stand is currently littered with the crap.

If anyone ever really wanted to spread some evil disease, I think you could spread it most effectively through the use of contaminated glitter. Think about it – you end up with glitter on your hands for days. After a few days, it shows up in a random place on your face. You can’t get away from it. Screw the swine flu (sorry, H1N1 – a much more palatable name, no need to implicate those lovely piggies), glitter flu could rock our society to its core. And it could ruin at least 1 quite robust industry. Once the medical world was able to identify it, all use of glitter would be banned worldwide. What would that do to strippers across the globe? Without glitter, would they cease to be strippers? Yes, it would save countless guys from trying to come up with an explanation as to where they got the glitter (honey, I umm, got a thank you card from Chuck at the office – it had glitter all over it). But, how would they explain where they got the Glitter Flu from? Strange, there is quite an outbreak in Montreal and Las Vegas!

Lastly (for now), the holiday cards with pictures on them. I think it’s great that technology has advanced so far to allow us to easily upload a picture and order a few dozen cards to send to our friends, relatives and acquaintances. It’s cool – a nice picture of your kids or your dogs. Or even just of you and your significant other. But, where did our creativity go? Why not use the Halloween picture or the embarrassing picture from the night out with the guys (you know the one, with one eye half closed and that slight appearance of sweat beading up on your forehead). I used to work with a woman who made an annual calendar with an embarrassing picture of her for each month of the year. Now, I’m not sure how she explained the pictures of her public drunkenness to her young children, but it was funny. And what about personalization? No longer do we even get any sort of personal message on a holiday card. Many of the family picture cards aren’t even signed. Come on people, we can do better than that! I challenge you all to try to find something a tad more unique to you to put on your holiday cards next year. And please, a little personalization. Even if you just write a simple interest word on the card – or something that you think about when hear the addressee’s name. But, please be tactful – I’m not sure how well I’d receive a card with you dressed up as Hall & Oates and the word “DOUCHE” on the back.

That’s it for now.