Happy New Year

2010 is upon us. Real newsflash there, I know. This year, I made a few resolutions – most I like to keep to myself (usually because that way, when I break one of them by the 9th of January I am the only that knows my failure). But, this year, I made 1 resolution that I have already told a few people. I have talked for years about writing a blog regularly. I have no idea why anyone that is not related to me would want to read what I have to say (and, it is likely that that my relatives will quickly learn that they absolutely do not want to know what is going on in my head). But, I guess this is an outlet for the creative portion of my brain. That portion seems to get smaller and smaller over time. I guess I want to keep it alive for a little while longer.

I’m not sure what I’m going to write about – but my resolution was at least one posting per week. And not just a posting like “Gee, Tiger has gotten himself in a little trouble, hasn’t he?”. Something with some substance. That might be the wrong choice of words – I doubt much of what I’ll be writing about will have any real substance, but WTF?

With that, I’ll get to it. A few things came up over the past week or so that I noted in my phone that I might like to write about. Maybe I’ll write about them.

Currently on my mind is grooming. Maybe it has to do with my recent wedding (get it – see where I went there?). But really, grooming is an interesting topic. I have this 1 (sometimes 2 if I go a while without shaving) mutant hair that pops up on my chin fairly regularly. The hair is really like some super strong strain of hair. Think Scott Howard in Teen Wolf. Or Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. OK, it’s not quite that long or werewolf or fly-like. But it is about 3 times the thickness of my normal facial hair. And sometimes (if I work at it enough), I can pull it out with a finger nail. I don’t understand how it gets there or why. Does my facial hair have some sort of individuality that is trying to get out? Is there some secret to the universe hidden in this gross super-hair? Probably not, but it is really weird. And it is fun to taunt my wife with it – she agrees that it is pretty disgusting.

When I was doing some of my holiday shopping a few weeks ago, I finally purchased an item that I have been thinking about buying for a little while. This one simple item has made me feel a little old. I felt like this item, more than many others, signifies quite a big step in the circle of life. I know a few friends my age that I have had one of these for a little while already. But I wasn’t quite ready. But, there it was on Amazon while I shopped for some gifts. That might be a little bit of a lie – it’s not like it was linked to The Bro Code (by How I Met Your Mother character Barney Stinson – wonderfully played by Neil Patrick Harris, Dougie Howser) as “customers who bought this also purchased”. (By the way, if you’re reading, get used to the massive usage of run on sentences, dashes and also known as tangents).

I had to search for it. I searched for it and I found it. Now I own it. It is a nose hair trimmer. There, I said it. A nose hair trimmer. I noticed that there have been a few nose hairs that have crept their way out of my giant schnoz and into broad daylight. I have tried to fight them back using the rudimentary tools at my disposal. I might have found a pair of tweezers in the bathroom and used them. But that isn’t always pleasant. I have also used my electric razor. Unfortunately, I can only bend the inner sanctum of my nose so far. I couldn’t quite get the blade to those evil hairs. And if I did, I even felt a little bit of electric razor burn. So, I have totally given in. Now I own my own little nose hair trimmer. And it has already been put to use. I really hope I never have to use it on my ears.

Seinfeld was one of my favorite all-time shows. I think it really has serious staying power – the topics still seem relevant after some time. I also was kind of addicted to the idea of the “What is the deal with XXX” type humor that Jerry was able to parlay into a multi-billion dollar fortune. I regularly find a great urge to use that when something seems a little off. Last week’s topic was holiday cards. What is the deal with holiday cards? Specifically, what do they make holiday cards with glitter on (or inside) of them? What need does this fill at all? All it does is get glitter all over the place. It is f*ing annoying – opening up cards and realizing after you opened it up that there was a pile of sparkly glitter on it. Our TV stand is currently littered with the crap.

If anyone ever really wanted to spread some evil disease, I think you could spread it most effectively through the use of contaminated glitter. Think about it – you end up with glitter on your hands for days. After a few days, it shows up in a random place on your face. You can’t get away from it. Screw the swine flu (sorry, H1N1 – a much more palatable name, no need to implicate those lovely piggies), glitter flu could rock our society to its core. And it could ruin at least 1 quite robust industry. Once the medical world was able to identify it, all use of glitter would be banned worldwide. What would that do to strippers across the globe? Without glitter, would they cease to be strippers? Yes, it would save countless guys from trying to come up with an explanation as to where they got the glitter (honey, I umm, got a thank you card from Chuck at the office – it had glitter all over it). But, how would they explain where they got the Glitter Flu from? Strange, there is quite an outbreak in Montreal and Las Vegas!

Lastly (for now), the holiday cards with pictures on them. I think it’s great that technology has advanced so far to allow us to easily upload a picture and order a few dozen cards to send to our friends, relatives and acquaintances. It’s cool – a nice picture of your kids or your dogs. Or even just of you and your significant other. But, where did our creativity go? Why not use the Halloween picture or the embarrassing picture from the night out with the guys (you know the one, with one eye half closed and that slight appearance of sweat beading up on your forehead). I used to work with a woman who made an annual calendar with an embarrassing picture of her for each month of the year. Now, I’m not sure how she explained the pictures of her public drunkenness to her young children, but it was funny. And what about personalization? No longer do we even get any sort of personal message on a holiday card. Many of the family picture cards aren’t even signed. Come on people, we can do better than that! I challenge you all to try to find something a tad more unique to you to put on your holiday cards next year. And please, a little personalization. Even if you just write a simple interest word on the card – or something that you think about when hear the addressee’s name. But, please be tactful – I’m not sure how well I’d receive a card with you dressed up as Hall & Oates and the word “DOUCHE” on the back.

That’s it for now.