Screw Diversity

I don't think it would be surprising to anyone that knows me to find out that I have been enjoying Jersey Shore on MTV. The characters (aka people) are great - they are so ridiculous and amusing at the same time. They go from being best friends to mortal enemies quicker than you can say "Let's do a shot". Even though they were only in that wonderful Jersey shore house for a little more than a month, they created a multitude of great moments for audiences. Sure, the most memorable one had to be Snookie getting clocked in the face by a guy (of course, MTV refused to show the actual punch, while continuing to promote it and show clips of its aftermath). But there have been other ones - Vinny hooking up with the boss' girl, Pauly D's Israeli stalker, J-Woww's regular brawls, The Situation's creepy creeping, the annoying relationship between Ronnie & Sammi, the constant stream of girls to and from the house. It's been great.

We've learned many lessons throughout the magical journey also. I learned about GTL - gym, tanning, laundry. Apparently, every guido needs to spend daily time at the gym, then ingesting some artificial rays. But, I did not realize that it was so important to do laundry every day - because, if the outfit ain't slamming, it can ruin the whole package. I learned that you can have a nickname that is infinitely longer than your actual name and people will still call you that (The Situation vs. Mike). You can also can decide to butcher a nickname if you choose (Snickers, Schnooks, etc. instead of Snooki). I learned about falling on grenades (when one of your friends takes one for the team by going off with your girls' umm, larger friend). It has been quite educational.

But, I think that the biggest thing I've learned is that diversity (as it applies to the all important world of reality television) does not matter one bit. For years, MTV and the other networks have been tinkering with their formula to bring people of all races and backgrounds together and been content to watch the sparks fly. Sure, there were always some "regular" characters (different from "normal") - the angry black guy, the timid asian girl, the country hick (female or male version), the idiot from Boston, the player, the slut, the hot girl (sometimes also the slut), the gay guy. Just pick a few from that pot, stick them in a house and before you know it, people will stop being polite and start being REAL.

On those other shows, the first time there was any sniff of a fight, that person usually got kicked out of the house and/or off the show (I still feel like David the comedian from Real World LA got a raw deal - pulling a blanket off some one was not attempted rape). But, after a while, all the shows seemed to be the same.

So, what is different on Jersey Shore?

They are all the same person. No more wasting time on the uptight roommate that doesn't drink to excess. These cats all drink. A lot. They all fight - with each other, with the opposite sex, with just about anyone. They all flirt. They all hook up - with each other and with just about anyone else. They are all extremely vain. I know they don't show every conversation that has ever happened in the house, but smart money is that there has not been a single conversation that could be categorized as "semi-intelligent" by someone like Malcolm Gladwell (or even Malcolm Jamaal Warner for that matter). Lots of talk about hair gel, guidos, tanning, drinking, hooking up, etc.

So, forget the variety, it's all about getting a group of people that are all basically the same and putting them in a house on the Jersey shore. That's all we really want. Let them act like a bunch of fools, upset advocacy groups for their heritage, hook up and then - become stars. I recently read that Pauly and The Situation have started to demand appearance fees in the area of about $7,500. Normally these fees are paid for them to visit a bar. Umm, something tells me that a few months ago, a couple of free drinks and the promise of promiscuous girls would be enough. Or just the promise of the girls.

As rumors swirl about the next Jersey Shore, you have to start to wonder if this formula will catch on. But, you need some key ingredients - well, mostly just sex and drinking. Where will the next show be located? A bunch of Irish guys and girls in Boston, living on Revere Beach? A group of cowboys and cowgirls living it up in Austin, Texas? A gaggle of backwoods rednecks in somewhere like Mobile, Alabama?

Doesn't matter. I'll still watch.

The Golden Globes

Last night was the Golden Globe awards. First let me say that I am a big Ricky Gervais fan - I got into the original version of the The Office when I was traveling to London a lot for a work a few years back. I think it helped that I worked there for a while - it seemed pretty real. I have grown to really enjoy the US version, but it is definitely more farcical and a bit more far-fetched. But, it's very funny.

Anyway, I've pretty much watched anything Gervais has been in since then (well, I still haven't seen The Invention of Lying, but according to Ricky last night, it comes out on DVD this week). So, knowing that he was hosting the Globes made it pretty interesting and as close to Must See TV as any award show has been for me (tied with Neil Patrick Harris hosting the Emmy's, since I guess I'm not gay enough to watch him host the Tony's).

So, I rushed (some running, mostly fast walking) home from the bar yesterday to catch the beginning of the show and make sure it was DVR'd (since I forgot to do that). Yes, we were at the bar to watch the Jets/Chargers game - Sunday afternoon bar-going is normal, right? I made it 4 minutes late - just in time to see Monique take home a trophy (unless BET has been giving out awards for larger black actors (or if Tyler Perry has created his own awards show), I am assuming this is her first award). We missed the introduction (but, I did see it later). But the rest of the show was pretty good.

Normally on these shows, a few people and moments stand out. I'm often surprised when certain people get really big ovations or cheers. It seems kind of random to me. Jeff Bridges got that kind of reaction when he won for Crazy Heart, a country music drama about a down and out singer that finds inspiration in the form of Maggie Gyllenhaal (still hard not to think of her from the S&M scenes in Secretary - an "interesting" movie). The crowd went nuts for him - and during his speech he sounded just like the Dude from The Big Lebowski - was that an auto-biography or something?

Other big reactions were for Meryl Streep (of course), Martin Scorsese (although DeNiro's jokes about Marty's YouTube videos of him having sex with 8MM film were a little strange), Mickey Rourke (what the f happened to his face?), some guy named T-Bone (who wrote a song for Crazy Heart), and Paul McCartney.

But other things that I remember from the show (having now watched Ricky's intro online this morning) include - Keifer Sutherland looking very pissed off (when Ricky mentioned that some of the 24 scenes when Bauer beats the crap out of people might have been Keifer's improv); Harrison Ford looking like he might have had a stroke (and checking any semblance of personality at the door); Felicity Huffman looking good, but not being able to read a single line; Cher looking very ghostly and like a 10-foot tall transvestite doll next to Christina Aguilera; Joan (Ms. Boobs McGee) from Mad Men; Mariah Carey's plunging cleavage; and Joan Allen (mom from Pleasantville) looking down right scary - plastic surgery gone wrong (on par with Mickey Rourke).

The show was a little over the top with Avatar praise - including in many of the announcer outros ("coming up, will Avatar take the top prize?"). You get the feeling that 98% of the crowd thinks that James Cameron is a douche. But, that same 98% don't want to say that, just so they might get a chance in his next movie. And now I wonder, was his guest spot on Entourage nothing more than a calculated move to let people see him as down to earth? I guess it worked, now cut your hair dude.

Some of the winners seem a little odd to me. I guess it was a down year in leading female in a drama when Sandra Bullock can win (nice of her to thank her costume designer and make up person though - oh, and a nice shout out to Jesse James). She did beat out that girl from Precious and Helen Mirren. I thought The Hangover was funny, don't get me wrong. But, award winning funny? Not sure about that. My big question was, where was Zack Galifianakis? It was funny (and awkward) with Mike Tyson hanging around (yes, I think everyone was waiting for him to do something completely IN CHARACTER, but it never happened). But, there was no sign of the bearded man himself.

After watching Robert Downey, Jr's good speech, I guess I can see why he keeps getting chance after chance after each rehab stint. He is quite charming and funny. Drew Barrymore is a ditz, but actually does come of as genuine - I guess she is a genuine ditz?

All in all, a pretty good show (great to watch on DVR, by the way - in a 3-hour show, there was about 1 hours worth of commercials). I still enjoy when they play the music over someone when their speech goes too long. And I'm glad there wasn't one of those awkward montages of all the people that died the past year (sorry, the key grip from Casablanca - his passing hit me hard). But, I was disappointed that there wasn't more Ricky Gervais. Then again, he might have hit it even harder with the shameless self-promotion.

Man vs. Plastic Tubing?

I have had occasion to tune into Man Vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel. Last night, we did a little flipping around while also watching the Celtics/Heat game and we watched Bear Grylls battle the wild. The first episode was nothing too crazy. He was just hanging out in Alabama - where, there is apparently one of the largest un-explored underground cave systems in the world. So, he was stuck in a cave without any light and no way out. No big deal - but he did fight (and ultimately kill and eat) a wild boar (every time I hear the word boar, I find myself singing out WILD BOAR WILD BOAR (channeling my inner Duran Duran - Wild Boys)) and eat deer poop (complete with a good shot of his fecal-stained tongue) (man, I love using (over-using?) parentheses!). But, he was out in a jiff.

It was the second episode that really caught our attention. Bear was dropped on a deserted island near Panama. Again, not a big deal. But, I will say the guy is amazing - able to make a great shelter out of banana leaves, a spear from a dead bird's beak, etc. He realized he wasn't going to get rescued on the island, so he built the raft toattempt to find other land (logical thinking). He was running out of water, so he took some handy tubing that he had (not sure where it came from, but quite handy) and gave himself an enema. Yes, he gave himself an enema while he was floating. Apparently that helps keep a person hydrated (and does wonders for the colon). Are you f*ing kidding me?

Ultimately, he floated towards civilization and his trusty chopper was there to pick him up. I think I was amazed that he did it, but more so, that he really didn't seem to give it a second though. Ho, hum, drop trou and stick tube up butt. And I still don't think I understand the whole camera crew thing. Is there a crew following him the whole time? And are they setting up a sweet camp and eating candy bars while Bear dines on poop and fish eyes? Do they get to use a private yacht while Bear is soaked in water? I don't get it.

Even though Bear is quite amazing, I've come to the conclusion that I prefer Les Stroud's Survivorman (on OLN). He does some of the same things (not nearly as extreme), but does them completely alone. He sets up all the camera equipment and is totally flying solo. Yes, sometimes that leads to some uncomfortable times where he is experiencing some severe loneliness. But, it feels a little more real.

Will the average, every day survivalist ever need to give themselves an enema? Well, now they know how. But I know that if they do, I would prefer not to have to watch it. At least I didn't have to see Bear's junk as he gave himself the Big E. Thank you Discovery Network for blurring that junk out.

I'm not sure what this has to do with anything, but I spent a fair amount of time thinking about it (the enema, not the junk).

On the other hand, great ending to the Celtics/Heat game. Piss poor play by Ray Allen with seconds left in the 4th quarter (leading to a Dwayne Wade steal and dunk). But, a spectacular alley oop from Pierce (from out of bounds) to Rondo to tie it and send it to OT. Very cool.

I learned something new the other day. I knew that Ton Loc made it famous with a song, but I never knew the ingredients for a Funky Cold Medina - simply mix vodka, southern comfort, blue curacao and cranberry juice. But what was the magic ingredient that made it seem to be smoking when it was passed around in the video?

That song came up in a trivia contest that we performed quite poorly in earlier this week. Why are there no trivia contests that are concentrated only on pop culture, music, movies, tv and sports? We end up getting screwed every time on history, arts and science questions. We actually realized that most of us had no idea who was actually the participants in World War I - how pathetic is that? But, we all knew Ton Loc sang Funky Cold Medina (and was fortunate enough to get to have Jim Carrey's ass "ass him a question" in Ace Ventura). Oh, he apparently lost the part that eventually went to LL Cool J as Chris O'Donnell's sidekick on NCIS Los Angeles.

So, I was curious - what exactly is in a Brass Monkey? Apparently, there was a premixed drink (I guess similar to Mad Dog 20/20 and Purple Passion) called Brass Monkey. It has recently been re-released. Little known fact (and of little use) - it originally was named by an ad executive after an alleged World War II spy. Umm, what exactly was the spy's name?

There are also a few variations of the Brass Monkey that could either be - a) a mix of beer and oj, b) a mix of gin, triple sec, tequila, oj, sour mix and grapefruit juice or c) a mix of rum, vodka, oj (with or without galliano). There appears to be no consensus. That is a shame, I think that Adam Yauch and Mike D would like to unite the world in their Brass Monkey consumption.

That will do it for this evening's random thoughts.

Thank you for your support.

Happy New Year

2010 is upon us. Real newsflash there, I know. This year, I made a few resolutions – most I like to keep to myself (usually because that way, when I break one of them by the 9th of January I am the only that knows my failure). But, this year, I made 1 resolution that I have already told a few people. I have talked for years about writing a blog regularly. I have no idea why anyone that is not related to me would want to read what I have to say (and, it is likely that that my relatives will quickly learn that they absolutely do not want to know what is going on in my head). But, I guess this is an outlet for the creative portion of my brain. That portion seems to get smaller and smaller over time. I guess I want to keep it alive for a little while longer.

I’m not sure what I’m going to write about – but my resolution was at least one posting per week. And not just a posting like “Gee, Tiger has gotten himself in a little trouble, hasn’t he?”. Something with some substance. That might be the wrong choice of words – I doubt much of what I’ll be writing about will have any real substance, but WTF?

With that, I’ll get to it. A few things came up over the past week or so that I noted in my phone that I might like to write about. Maybe I’ll write about them.

Currently on my mind is grooming. Maybe it has to do with my recent wedding (get it – see where I went there?). But really, grooming is an interesting topic. I have this 1 (sometimes 2 if I go a while without shaving) mutant hair that pops up on my chin fairly regularly. The hair is really like some super strong strain of hair. Think Scott Howard in Teen Wolf. Or Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. OK, it’s not quite that long or werewolf or fly-like. But it is about 3 times the thickness of my normal facial hair. And sometimes (if I work at it enough), I can pull it out with a finger nail. I don’t understand how it gets there or why. Does my facial hair have some sort of individuality that is trying to get out? Is there some secret to the universe hidden in this gross super-hair? Probably not, but it is really weird. And it is fun to taunt my wife with it – she agrees that it is pretty disgusting.

When I was doing some of my holiday shopping a few weeks ago, I finally purchased an item that I have been thinking about buying for a little while. This one simple item has made me feel a little old. I felt like this item, more than many others, signifies quite a big step in the circle of life. I know a few friends my age that I have had one of these for a little while already. But I wasn’t quite ready. But, there it was on Amazon while I shopped for some gifts. That might be a little bit of a lie – it’s not like it was linked to The Bro Code (by How I Met Your Mother character Barney Stinson – wonderfully played by Neil Patrick Harris, Dougie Howser) as “customers who bought this also purchased”. (By the way, if you’re reading, get used to the massive usage of run on sentences, dashes and also known as tangents).

I had to search for it. I searched for it and I found it. Now I own it. It is a nose hair trimmer. There, I said it. A nose hair trimmer. I noticed that there have been a few nose hairs that have crept their way out of my giant schnoz and into broad daylight. I have tried to fight them back using the rudimentary tools at my disposal. I might have found a pair of tweezers in the bathroom and used them. But that isn’t always pleasant. I have also used my electric razor. Unfortunately, I can only bend the inner sanctum of my nose so far. I couldn’t quite get the blade to those evil hairs. And if I did, I even felt a little bit of electric razor burn. So, I have totally given in. Now I own my own little nose hair trimmer. And it has already been put to use. I really hope I never have to use it on my ears.

Seinfeld was one of my favorite all-time shows. I think it really has serious staying power – the topics still seem relevant after some time. I also was kind of addicted to the idea of the “What is the deal with XXX” type humor that Jerry was able to parlay into a multi-billion dollar fortune. I regularly find a great urge to use that when something seems a little off. Last week’s topic was holiday cards. What is the deal with holiday cards? Specifically, what do they make holiday cards with glitter on (or inside) of them? What need does this fill at all? All it does is get glitter all over the place. It is f*ing annoying – opening up cards and realizing after you opened it up that there was a pile of sparkly glitter on it. Our TV stand is currently littered with the crap.

If anyone ever really wanted to spread some evil disease, I think you could spread it most effectively through the use of contaminated glitter. Think about it – you end up with glitter on your hands for days. After a few days, it shows up in a random place on your face. You can’t get away from it. Screw the swine flu (sorry, H1N1 – a much more palatable name, no need to implicate those lovely piggies), glitter flu could rock our society to its core. And it could ruin at least 1 quite robust industry. Once the medical world was able to identify it, all use of glitter would be banned worldwide. What would that do to strippers across the globe? Without glitter, would they cease to be strippers? Yes, it would save countless guys from trying to come up with an explanation as to where they got the glitter (honey, I umm, got a thank you card from Chuck at the office – it had glitter all over it). But, how would they explain where they got the Glitter Flu from? Strange, there is quite an outbreak in Montreal and Las Vegas!

Lastly (for now), the holiday cards with pictures on them. I think it’s great that technology has advanced so far to allow us to easily upload a picture and order a few dozen cards to send to our friends, relatives and acquaintances. It’s cool – a nice picture of your kids or your dogs. Or even just of you and your significant other. But, where did our creativity go? Why not use the Halloween picture or the embarrassing picture from the night out with the guys (you know the one, with one eye half closed and that slight appearance of sweat beading up on your forehead). I used to work with a woman who made an annual calendar with an embarrassing picture of her for each month of the year. Now, I’m not sure how she explained the pictures of her public drunkenness to her young children, but it was funny. And what about personalization? No longer do we even get any sort of personal message on a holiday card. Many of the family picture cards aren’t even signed. Come on people, we can do better than that! I challenge you all to try to find something a tad more unique to you to put on your holiday cards next year. And please, a little personalization. Even if you just write a simple interest word on the card – or something that you think about when hear the addressee’s name. But, please be tactful – I’m not sure how well I’d receive a card with you dressed up as Hall & Oates and the word “DOUCHE” on the back.

That’s it for now.